A Day in My....Infamous....Life....

Open your eyes

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 18:32:15 GMT

How is it that we can do this to our own sons
might as well cock back and shoot them with our own guns
sending those we love to the territory of the unknown
to fend for themselves and even when they come back they are all alone
in despair can't even eat because the gov their check has postponed
we hear about Anna Nicole fuckin up and gettin blown
but what about our soldiers that can no longer take it
everything is just to much and suicide the only answer..why are their names not known?

How is it that America can't open their eyes and take a look
to realize these things you don't even have to open up a book
watch your tv even in our censored news we can figure out it is our own governmernt thats the crook
If we all stuck together to seek truth we would sure have them all shook
They have stolen the lives of those we love
not caring of their consequences when push came to shove
Self inflicted wounds that will forever leave their scar
to many the truth is just too fucking bizzare
why is it that damn near 6 years later
we still have no fucking true story we're just starting to come to terms with the fact that we know our government is a traitor

Lets for one second think about the lives that descended to heaven
on that dreadful day we all remember, September 11
how would u feel if you knew for a fact there was No Al-queda
would you still fear you gov or stand up to them like in V for Vendetta
ignorance is taught as well as its sought
lets be smarter people contrary to popular belief not everthing can be bought
for our freedom is in danger...whatchu gonna do when they control even your thought?

-Netty '07

Jose's Letters (jus cleaning my work comp and logging)

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 17:07:40 GMT

Pretty Old letters to jose when I was coming out to him that were in my comp as i was cleaning I figured I'd keep them logged in here =)

Jose:

Hey Love! How are you…as good as ur situation allows I imagine. First off let’s begin with the hate issue. There is no hate in this world grander than the one I felt for you throughout a lot of our relationship. We, though apart, have grown up. There is no reason for me to ever hate u again, I will not place myself in that predicament. Most of the misery that I do not deny u putting me thru, made me the stronger person. From the time I had any recollection I’ve been getting fucked by dudes, literally. Every important male in my life has fucked me. And that my friend is enough for disgust. I have been violated in one way or another by guys. Nothing dude necessarily did made me disgust, life’s bullshit has. There is nothing he did wrong, in fact he did it all right. All he wanted was my happiness all I wanted was a test. I went for what I wanted, meaning him, before he ever laid eyes on me. I wanted to do the choosing. But then in intimacy all I thought was how disgusting it was. And how I never in my life wanted to experience being with a man again. I will not lie no one else knows this but yes I have had others since you’ve been gone. Men no one knew about because to me they were worthless, like every other guy that desires me. All everyone wanted was to take care of me….do I look like I need to be taken care of? No I can do that on my own, thanks. Maybe it’s a control issue, the need to be in control at all times. I did lose control of it for many years, at my own fault for letting u dictate my life. I Love you Jose, with all my heart. You are one of the most important men, wait THE MOST IMPORTANT man in my life. You were the greatest male influence and maybe the only one I had. For that I am grateful. You showed me the ugly side of love and also the most beautiful. U allowed me to feel pain, u fed it to me, hence, I am who I am. It saddens me that you never got to know me. That our relationship never left the bedroom. You will never know ME. Yet we lived skin and skin for so many years. How is that possible? You never had the time. You never took the time. You were to busy with your own life, your own friends, your own affairs. I’m kind of upset with myself for allowing such things but u know what I’d rather learn, get up, be the strong person that HAS LIVED. I don’t remember anytime in my childhood that I wasn’t abused and I mean recollection from my toddler years. Not only by one man at that. That scarred me for life Jose. I was supposed to be a statistic, in many ways, I was, and still am. I was supposed to be the Hoe in town. But I had will….maybe it was disgust but I beat many odds. I didn’t need to be spoiled, I didn’t need your money, ever. I just wanted you to make me happy, to help me build my facade. U failed. But that’s life and you move on. Prison has made u a greater man than you have ever been, I wish I had that then. I want us to be friends, to talk, to know one another, I don’t know u as well. We were young we were kids shit happens. My sexual intuitions were woken up at a very early age. My experimenting did to. I have been attracted and experimenting with girls/women for much much longer than I would ever let on. Telling you is ok because I don’t need to looking at my façade, I need you to look at me, the REAL me. You were my only chance for a normal life, if that existed, that didn’t work out. Here is a piece I wrote on your birthday, needless to say I had a rough day that day.

Forty. Not too big of a number is it? In some cases.
Rapist. More like a monster. He robbed so many.
Stained them. Filth. Pure disgusting filth.
Children. What an invansion. What a disgrace to the human race.
What are the facial expressions of a man confessing to raping 40 little girls?
What is going thru his head as he beds these girls and tapes it?
What is he feeling when his own 8 yr daughter becomes the star?

I know there are some sick people in this world. I've experienced that first hand. But I would ever in my mind imagine I would be listening to some so atrocious. Oprah killed me today. It really hit home. I have so much to write about, yet nothing to say. I don't understand. It's like a mental block. I'm alone now. Can't say I've had this peace and quiet in quiet sum time. Lately all this child molestation shit has been surrounding me. On the new. Talk shows. Its like it follows me everywhere. My daughter knows. She knows the truth about my past. I felt she needed to know. So that if the situation ever arrose...it would be me she comes to. I was blunt when I spoke with her on the situation. She's smart enough to engage in the conversation as the small adult that she is. She inquired. She wanted to know. She was sad. I told her it was a long time ago, when I was a little girl. I told her it really fucked up my life. In many points of my life. I was a statistic. Many. Still am in many ways. I control myself. I have the will. Sumtimes it gets the best of me. But not for long I let go. A minor release. Then I feel disgusting. I give up. Totally give up. I totally convinced my self. I felt filth. Filth. Filth. Still I feel filth. Not towards the person. Towards. I let out a lot. Today. Soothing. As the rain pours...flowing...U can't tell the difference. And it felt damn good. The coldness of the rain with the warmness of my... I am the strong one. I am the keeper. If I fail, it's all over. Oh how the mind wanders. From here to there. So much to let out. How is it that my life changed so much withen such a short period of time. I'm proud of me. I accomplished more than EVERYONE in my generation. Most all, the older...and even further. Yet I am still the blacksheep. I am NEVER good enough. But u know what. I KNOW I'm better. And as I see them marinate in their misery. The misery they hide behind their forced smile. This fucking bitch of my cousin won't step foot in my house. As if I was the one that molested her husband for all those years. No bitch it was him that molested ME and YOUR DAUGHTER. Why is it that everyone wants to hide to thruth. Why is it that no one wants to talk about it. Why is that I know of 4 different girls he did this to but no one but me wants to come foward, risking my family disowning me. I should keep that in the family. It's over. For who? For him. I have to live with it for the rest of my fucking life. They have to live with it for the rest of their life. So why not say sumthing. Why not have a release. My release is my pen, my fingertips. My words. My silent tears. Trust is always an issue. I mean why not. From so long til my present day. I've been fucked. Literally.

I write in fragments, life does that. I want to sit with you and just talk and enjoy our company. Without the pain, without the intimacy. My hostility towards Janice is sumthing I will NEVER get over. I cant stand when a person is telling me to my face “why is jasmine so stupid doesn’t she know jose will never leave you” when all along she had your dick in her mouth. Are you kidding me. Talk to her, let her visit you, write to her, its not my problem or my place to tell you who u can and cannot talk to. Our relationship is just that OURS, yours with anyone else is none of my concern, marry da bitch for all I care. It will not change the disgust and hostility I have towards her. I love you Jose and I’m hoping that in time you will love me, not the person I was molded out to be. Just because I am not in love, it doesn’t mean you don’t mean the world to me. I can never be in love with you and that’s jus the way it is. I would love to have you as a best friend, a confident. You have given me the best gift ever my daughter and thru our journey, strength, and for that I am forever grateful.
______________________________________________________________________________________________ Because I needed the time to open up. I turned 25 but I feel like I turned 45. It's the life I lived. That is why it took me this long to tell you. True, the molding did come after you, I was completely consumed by you. It only takes one as powerful as you, to weaken you. I'm glad you feel as if I gave you life because I feel the same about you. I know you were in love with me for all those years, I never denied that. I know the power I can posses on the opposite sex, I wish I was cold enough to use it wisely, if you know what I mean. I never understood how I was caught up in such a whirlwind with you, but I was. All them other fucks, they didn't didn't posses something we both craved, power. It's nature. We both woulda been great together. . . we were great together. The potential WE had, not only I . . .even if just for show on my end... ::*Shaking my head*::

I enjoy nudity. In art form more than porn form, but I do enjoy to watch a women masturbate from time to time, a 3sum from time to time. I've never had one of my own. . . I almost did one time though, with you. My soul. A souls recognition of it's counterpart. I fell in love with yours too. It's the only way to explain it, you were definitely on point. I am so capable of what your capable of, if you could only be in my head. Member when that santero told me we were best off having a bussiness-like relationship, we will always be more of business partners rather than husband and wife...hmmmm . . .makes you wonder. But also, and I cant quote because I cant get online while I'm downloading shit...it says in our profile for Caps that we drive for success, power, our relationships though are undevoted. Hmmm...I'm glad u respect me, coming from you. . . it actually means sumthing. Not only did I let the hate. . . I let life win, for a while I let it win, over and over and over, and I just became a big fuck up. I'm winning now. . .I'm being wiser. . .I'm living for me and her. . .fuck the world. I know you are not cold hearted I know u can love, But life made you have that switch. . . I wish it were easy to get rid of it buts a battle at the least. I cannot deny when I say my emotions let me get the best of me, but u have never experienced carrying a child, shit changes ur whole shit around. I weakend to emotion only then. I am raising her to be as hard as me, harder, stronger, with a father like hers no doubt that will happen, she was born to dominate. Of course I'm goin to love the man you have becomed, I loved you with your flaws, did I not? I'm dying to go back to school too. But for odd things writing art and bussiness management so when u open up shop I got dibs on running da joint LoL

So now that you mention going away. . .how does Cali sound? Why not...warm weather all year round...new opportunities whole new life. I'm meantioning this cause the other day me and Liz ( a very very very dear friend of mine from NY, if u read the shit she writes u will see why she's my world) were talkin about going to San Fran for gay pride weekend in June, with Angenette going away to Ohio for the summer I thought Fuck yea! Why not. . . then I told her yo in a few years we should move to Cali and go to school out there and shit. . .she was all for it, she plans on coming to Palm Beach to go to school in Boca for a few yrs after she's done with courses in Nyc. Anyway jus a more than random thought in there. I talked to Angenette about it, she's loving the idea, she thinks she's gonna become a superstar out there LoL. I know u aint the everyday nigga come on now, we adults now we're passed the bullshit we both know why we chose each other. We both knew what we were after. I lied as u did about those fools, but trust me none meant more to me than mere skin. A time to be in total control.
I knew them hoes had nothing on me Jose, sometimes you showed it but sumtimes you didn't, and those times you did it harshly. My legs, my own favorite feature, they capture many's eye. The fact that I knew we could of seen so much with the same eye, same perception. We will never have that chance, theres no room for a second chances on this end...I'm finally out the closet! You do not understand the power another woman has over another. I have hoes doing all sorts of shit for me on cam from over seas all over da usa sendin me pics BAD ASS HOES, you know I look for only those better looking than me. I had a girl fly from paris to see me, didn't really like how she looked in person but I cuddled with her gave her a little affection while we watched tv and tried to teach me french LoL Straight women melt for me, I feel as if I posses this sensual aura that make people attractred to me, because I am not that beautiful as they all say I am.

Speaking of beauty, coincedince I get this phone call as I type this. My mom just called me and told me that Kathy was in da hospital because she had breast cancer and they took a breast off yesterday. My first response was karma caught up to her ass, bout time. You get back what you put out, eventually. That is why I know my time of good will come. I have done waaay too much good for me not to get it back...theres barely any intentional bad karma from me EVER. Then I started feelin a lil bad, then I totally got over it. That's life. About your brother let it be, my sister (like it or not we grew up practically twins when we were kids, dressing alike and all) got hers, he will get his in his own time. Family aint shit, I've seen that first hand, fuck him.

I don't blame Vanessa. I mean she's doing it for her kids she says. I respect that. Supposdely he was allergic to sumthing out here, cause Christiun's skin is almost all cleared up already. I can't live in da cold fuck that.

Shit I forgot about Saturday. I'm going to really try to make it but can u try gettin a visit for Sunday instead and we'll go early after I get out of work? I'm going to a Wutang concert Friday backstage after party vip Amy been dating method man's road manager for like 6 yrs so its like homeboy status like when I went to the red and meth show. Smokin wit dem and shit. LoL u need to cook for me when u get out here...but let me tell you I can throw down in the kitchen homie! If you call before you get this I'll ask you about Sunday. Monday aint no school too longer time, think about that too. I''ll take sum pics too well I have pics I must bust out the printer and print sum shit out for u I'm a hot momma that needs to be seen HoLLaaa LoL I tickle me! Dique you miss me a little suttin suttin, u want me dont you. . . LoL nah I'm fucking with you.

Yea niggaaa send me sum good pics and I'll set up a new prisonpenpal acct so u can get these hoes for sum mulaaa get them to buy angenette sneakers and timbs from NY HoLLaaa LoL I'm a lil high at the moment 2nd blunt first finished as I started, one finished now. Thats what I do too read read read, u can never read too much, theres so much out there Oh by the way I ordered u that book a few days ago I'll mail it when it gets here how should I mail it regular priority? It's not that I aint pick up my phone shit dont work at my house I'mma have the phone connected by the time u get this, I jus forgot to pay it and didnt realize it was off since I rarely use it. Angenette's a retard I keep tellin her to write you. She writes like u all small and shit. Um u soooo did not need to send me no damn reciept whats wrong with you I should post this shit on the internet as a forum to see what people say. Get a laugh out of it. Girls be posting dude's penis' in da chatroom and they be in talkin about how big it is bla bla bla sumtimes I feel like bringin out ur goods like WAM BITCH take a look at this over HERE!...shut all them hoes up LoL they'd choke on just the picture...but nah I havent violated you in that manner....unless u'd like me too LoL Well I think that pretty much sums up a reply to ur letter I was gonna write anyway ur letter jus gave me more incentive. Write back you fool I love you.
~Annette~
______________________________________________________________________________________________ I dont know if u have recieved the last letter I wrote because when I went to ask my phonecall dropped...we can thank nextel for that. Hope you didnt take my letter to offense since I feel much better writig to you and Im goin to keep going til im relieved.

Ive been masturbating since I was about 9 yrs old. Can’t blame me I already had my period so my hormones were up a roof and Ive been touched for so many yrs I guess it felt right to do it myself. I never admitted that to anyone....embarrassed me...but I feel like now I can tell u everything so I will. I wish the guys I bedded had no names...wish they were one nighters I didnt know. But they did have names. 2 I dont rememeber the names there were about 5 altogether from the time u were arrested til now. Only one was local and it was the guy I told u about. The others I knew for a few yrs over the internet and they lived out of state. They all hate me now. Can’t blame them. All I needed was a little control...a little skin. I gave them what was probably the best sex in there life, then I wanted nothing else to do with them. I got emails tellin me I was a horrible person, thas life, move on. As a kid u knew how I was, I messed with many men, none I fucked. It was more like a facade...a way out...a way to change. I always knew I wanted women, but it wasnt right, wasnt the way of life. So I fought it. I met u. I really thought once I was pregnant with ur child, it was it for me. Me a single mother, shit wasnt in my books. I was gonna marry u. I was gonna “cure” As I grew older, alone, I realized it wasnt a disease it was me, fighting me. The fight is almost over. I need you in my life Navedo, not as a man, as a friend. You’re a very special part of my life, like my protector. No matter what u protected me, though u couldnt protect me from u. Your past I know nothing of, it would help me understand, and maybe help u understand. We dont choose our lives we deal with them. I think of our passion, of our sex, and think how can I let that go...it wasnt real...of course I can I’ve embraced the openess you provided me with and only hope I can have that once again. With you I had no inhibitions, I was completely vunerable. That made part of who I am. I really did try with guys for many many years, but why lie to u, to me, and the world, that wasnt me, I was tryin to become what the world wanted me to be. I wrote sumthing the beginnin of last month nice and short though here it is:

I can only be the person this world has molded me to be...
The bitterness.... the battles...the war isnt over....
I continue to be the foundation....but that is all...
The beginning....I build their lives...they move on.....
I guess out of nature...I'm a nurturer....
Sumtimes...caring...too..much....
Making me so vunerable...to the pain...abandonment...
So sexual...yet almost completely celibate...
I enjoy the feeling... of yearning...wanting..pleasing me....
Always...always...a pleaser...one of my downfalls...
Tripped many times....flat on my face...I can laugh at me....
The bruises....the scars....all my character.....all me...all that I am...
I flirt with everyone...I dont need a visual...personality...traps me..
So sensual....lascivious ....content...yet not....I have only me....
I hide...my strength...is just my mask...it is also my weakness...
I dont care if I offend....I do not lie...I'm a pothead...I'll forget...
The only lie is my smile...my eyes tell the truth.....
Alone I cry.....a form of palliation...it helps...
By the looks of me....I am so slutty....promiscuous
That's ur perception....I know who I am....
A mother....to many....gave birth to just one....
So much pride....my own wall...my ward...
I enjoy to kiss...and kiss...and kiss...nothing else...
I enjoy to feel for hours...skin...I crave skin....
Don't try to figure me out...I've been trying for years...
Don't assume u know me....I dont even know me....
I enjoy breathing....and listening....to heartbeats...
It helps me relax....to feel....to become one.....
I want the company of just one...but am afraid to give more...
I am afraid....to open up...scared to let sumone in.....
This is who I am...like it or not....this is me...

I dont know if it means anything to you that I am opening up and letting you into my world. A world I have never let ANYONE in. If not let me know the letters will stop and my escape can once more be my journal, though I was hoping you would become my journal. From you I can get feedback. I would like to get to know u too if u would allow, since we both know that even though I know where every beauty mark lays on ur body, I still dont know u. Well when I feel like venting I hope ur at the other end willing to listen or read rather. I love you Jose.

~Netty~

When I say I'm over her..

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 19:26:08 GMT

is it me I'm trying to convince? Or you?

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 16:29:27 GMT

A girl permanently marked
living in pain..content with her pain
for pain is all she has ever known
no need for blades or cutting her
internal pain is real enough
over and over doing good
for others to bring her down
not this time though
aint noone bringin her da fuck down this time
maybe a few days of hidden deppression
but that will only strenghthen her
as has everything else in her life
but what if its from herself she needs saving
what if she's the one doing the most damage to herself...
who's gonna help her then?

luaren hill ft bob marley

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 08:17:58 GMT

Ciara Promise

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 15:28:43 GMT

Test

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 01:08:23 GMT

She is so fucking non chalant about the whole ordeal I'm sittin here going crazy. For more thatn a week my brother has been missing in Dominican Republic. Whether they think he is pullin a stunt or not fact of the matter is he is MISSING in a FOREIGN COUNTRY. Fuck it being our "homeland" homie to me he's missing in another fucking country point blank! Im yelling at her tellin her I will never speak to her again if anything happened to him. Oh he's been hanging out with this girl she was bad new we kept telling him but he just kept hanging out with her. OK. WHO? WTF is this girl? NO NAME jus this GIRL thats bad news. R U KIDDING ME. How is it that they have been tellin me my brother had been doing good bla bla bla and everytime I call he aint never around I have yet to talk to him since I put him on a plane back in August, then poof out of the blue, he decides to fuck up and dissappear for mad time and not call or anything. Nah shit aint him. *sigh* what can I do?? smoke this blunt, drink this drink...then what? Nothing. I told her ass to bring my brother back to Florida and to bring da damn family back together or at least attempt to but her hard headed ass wants to be stupid and continue to live in her vicious ass fuckin cycle of nothingness. Im fuckin ashamed. I just have to breathe and let go of them. But not my brother. He's different. Yea he fucked up with me bla bla bla. But u know what its her fucking fault too. She thought beating him was the answer to everything. fuckouttahear! Yea Ive put da smack down on my kid no doubt. But I DO NOT make that a punishment for everything wrong done. W-e its not even the case at hand. im out.

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 05:30:45 GMT

I heard once in the words of Talib, that prison in itself can be a blessing in disguise. It saves sum from their grave, it str8ens the lives of others. Knowledge is self determination he tells us, and I in return tell him. Take the time to learn, to take urself thru the journey of learning on your own. Make the time they gave you worth it. So I buy the books, I read them then I pass them on to him.

After all this time he still crawls under my skin. still knows what buttons to push.

Why are people so against the way I'm raising my child. Thas my kid I do as I please. So what if I talk to her as if she was an adult. So what that at such a tender age she knows so much. But y not? Y let the kids teach her what I can teach her at home. Why let her learn thru experience and mistakes as I once did. Hmmm the mind floats from here to there.....

Work work work. They tell me in time I will get my blessings, I will rise above this all. I am a good person. My karma has to be returned. I'm owed so much, or so I think.

Lost.
Found.
Yet Lost.

Y is it that with so many people around Im still alone? The noise a deafning silence. I really wish I was alone. Y deal with the people if the voids ae not filled.

Ive been in heat like a mofo....almost doing things I know damn well aint me. Almost.

I miss the twins. I miss them terribly. I miss her too, cant front.
I will leave it at nothing. This post is nothin. I have nothing.

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 05:22:18 GMT

Given I wanted to I can. Without ever laying a finger on u, I can. My eyes speak to you, in total silence u understand. If I wantd to u'd be a lost puppy not knowing what to do. If i wanted to, you'd be mine.

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 05:32:07 GMT

I cried. First it was from overwhelming pleasure. My juices warmer than the shower itself. Then when the sobs grew uncontrollable they bagan to feel better, than out of nowhere it became, pain. A lonely pain. I let go and cried and cried. All day I could do nothing but stay moist, thanx to the sensual words Zane presents in each of her stories. I showered. I cried. A good cry, a cleansin cry. even after the shower I needed more, a lil more. I got to work, this time both openings, at once. It was great, it hurt so bad, a great pain in return for the immense pleasure I felt. And now I will lay to bed since this whirlwind has givin me a migraine, well worth it though, nothing like warm juices flowing down my elbow, especially my own.

wao.

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 14:41:49 GMT

So at like 700 am I get a call that wakes me. It says its Nesa, I answer it, my call drops, thank nextel for that one. I try calin back but I have no service. I go back under the covers. I get up because I remember Angenette fell asleep before she showered so she had to get up to shower before school. Got her science project ready to take out the door. I try calling back again my mom answers.."oh it must of been one of the babies that dialed." "ok" We hang up. Thats it no reply to anything I told her. No nothing. FUCK HER.

An email I sent my mom...after a fight. . .

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 16:56:38 GMT

You know I dont know why for years Ive never said a word to you abouy my feelings. All my life I've lived in almost complete silence. Letting the world step all over me including you. You think I think because I'm 25 I became grown. Mami that just proves to me how much you dont know me. I have been a grownup for many many years now...my wisdom surpasses my age by many moons. I wish u did know me, I wish all these years I could cconfide in you. But thats not how it went down. For you having things is so important...Label whore. . .its an actual term and that's what you are and have always been. Ive talked to Alba thruout the years everytime me and you fight and she tells me you have been like this all your life. Maxing out your creedit cards to have the newest things to have the best always. So that the world could see you had this and that. Your whole life was like a competition with Ivelise, who's a piece of fucking shit and I dont understand Y it ever mattered to you that she knew u had better. You went to college mom, wasted college education if you ask me, I know you could of been better, your supposed to be where tio chris is now. Only you and tio chris had that capabilty the intelligence, and u wasteed that mami you really really did. After you recuporated from your strokee you could no longer work ur passion, hair. So why not continue your eeducation or put the one you already had to use? All you u knew was marriage as a kid, u married had your kids and settled. Then after you lived thru men, thats all. Thru their credit thru their everything. Why? I always expected a lot more from you, but my expectations were never met. You live thru your own lies oveer and over. Dont think im some cold hearted bitch saying all of this Im just tired of this burdeen my entire life it hurts me to say all that im sayin it is why ive kept hush for so long. All my young life for almost every weekend of my life I was molested by my own godfather over and oveer again you know this Ive told you this the whole family knows. But did ANYONE GIVE A FUCK? NO. Never weent any further than you guys just knowing the truth. Robeiby she denys it to everyonee yet used to cry to me on da phone all our lives about it. In ny ur little friend Ray or whatever that lived in da building tried to rape me, several times not just once. Do you know the FUCKED UP lifee ive lived for u to sit and tell me I THINK I'm grown. No mami i been grown since I was a toddler sadly I was FORCED to grow up. But no one thinks of the consequences it had on my life. How did I cope who did i turn to? No one, because I had no one. And even wheen I finaly admit the truth Nothing happens. so why the fuck would I come out to tell anyone anything else. Nothing that pertains to me matters. But still I RISE. ALONE I stand always, BUT I RISE. I dont understand how u can sound so shockd when I yell truths at you, mind you yea its mornin im a little harsher in the morning but lets be real mami I dont tell lies. In sum ways my experience did lead me to be a statistic pregnant teen, high school drop out. I got together with Jose for the power he possesed. Mee being a capricorn him too, we strive for power he was just a cover up, a way to carry the facade. Before Jose, before Fernando, I had already experimented with women, well before them. By the time I was 9 I was masturbating because by then I had my period and sexual feelings was all I knew. I didnt become a hoe because my friends did enough hoeing for me all my life and beecause men DISGUST me. I mean why wouldnt they. . .you never took the time to know me my kid has been knowing so much more than you becausee to her I am open. I do not want her growing up writing about me rather than talking to me as do I. Why couldnt someone just give a fuck. Why did everyone decide to stay shut when Amneris finally said sumthing. Thats sad we are you guys' kids. The minute I would hear sumthing like that happened to my kid I'd be out for blood. . .but whatever thats the past right, we've all moved on havent we. Dont think that for one minute that because I am only 25 u can ccompare me to any one of these littl bitches u think u comparing me to, Ive lived Ive lived a whoooole lot mami. Thru hard work I live. Thats my escape, that is my remedy. Hard work. To make sumthing of me. Thats what Im after. School in Cali in way cheaper than anywhere else in the US Im alreeady making plans to betteer MY life. Maybe it's time you do that to...live thru you, live for you, and get your son back. . . he needs his mother. . .I know I did.

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 14:17:25 GMT

Seriously wtf does my mom think she is??? The nerve of that woman. So I'm half joking wit Vanessa about her moving to Ohio just to live off the state, which is true, so she hangs up cause she dont wanna hear mee "talk shit" since to them thas all I talk when I talk truths. Anyway my mom calls back to be all nosey and stick her face where she shouldnt and I tell her yes it's true I'm talkin shit no wait truths I told heer why is she making vanessa involve herself in the vicious cycle of welfar likee she did all her life. This bitch gonna tell me that she was not on welfare bla bla bla FUCK OUTTA HERE that bitch took anything they gavee her from the state ALWAYS and that I think I'm hot shit cause at 25 I have my own house No bitch I dont think shit I jus like to work for mines unlike you, so the bitch hangs up on me and wont answer her or nesa so I get to TEXTING LIKE A MOFO tellin her da fuck off even told her I was a lesbian and that its sad that shee dont evn know me Btch shouldnt of trieed mee like she crazy Im so fucking pissed Im shakin seriously this would be a time I would punch my mother in da face, its due timee. I jus need to cut her the fuck out my life for good. She aint doing shit for me anyway doing moree bad than good fucking wit my emotions like she nuts. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH I called amy at work da wife aint answer and cheeeks is asleep UGH imma smoke a blunt

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 18:15:17 GMT

*sigh* I'm excited...having sumthing to look forward to...I dont care how far away the actual move will be. BUT DAMMIT IM EXCITED!

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 06:11:27 GMT

Forty. Not too big of a number is it? In some cases.
Rapist. More like a monster. He robbed so many.
Stained them. Filth. Pure disgusting filth.
Children. What an invansion. What a disgrace to the human race.
What are the facial expressions of a man confessing to raping 40 little girls?
What is going thru his head as he beds these girls and tapes it?
What is he feeling when his own 8 yr daughter becomes the star?

I know there are some sick people in this world. I've experienced that first hand. But I would ever in my mind imagine I would be listening to some so atrocious. Oprah killed me today. It really hit home. I have so much to write about, yet nothing to say. I don't understand. It's like a mental block. I'm alone now. Can't say I've had this peace and quiet in quiet sum time. Lately all this child molestation shit has been surrounding me. On the new. Talk shows. Its like it follows me everywhere. My daughter knows. She knows the truth about my past. I felt she needed to know. So that if the situation ever arrose...it would be me she comes to. I was blunt when I spoke with her on the situation. She's smart enough to engage in the conversation as the small adult that she is. She inquired. She wanted to know. She was sad. I told her it was a long time ago, when I was a little girl. I told her it really fucked up my life. In many points of my life. I was a statistic. Many. Still am in many ways. I control myself. I have the will. Sumtimes it gets the best of me. But not for long I let go. A minor release. Then I feel disgusting. I give up. Totally give up. I totally convinced my self. I felt filth. Filth. Filth. Still I feel filth. Not towards the person. Towards. I let out a lot. Today. Soothing. As the rain pours...flowing...U can't tell the difference. And it felt damn good. The coldness of the rain with the warmness of my... I am the strong one. I am the keeper. If I fail, it's all over. Oh how the mind wanders. From here to there. So much to let out. How is it that my life changed so much withen such a short period of time. I'm proud of me. I accomplished more than EVERYONE in my generation. Most all, the older...and even further. Yet I am still the blacksheep. I am NEVER good enough. But u know what. I KNOW I'm better. And as I see them marinate in their misery. The misery they hide behind their forced smile. This fucking bitch of my cousin won't step foot in my house. As if I was the one that molested her husband for all those years. No bitch it was him that molested ME and YOUR DAUGHTER. Why is it that everyone wants to hide to thruth. Why is it that no one wants to talk about it. Why is that I know of 4 different girls he did this to but no one but me wants to come foward, risking my family disowning me. I should keep that in the family. It's over. For who? For him. I have to live with it for the rest of my fucking life. They have to live with it for the rest of their life. So why not say sumthing. Why not have a release. My release is my pen, my fingertips. My words. My silent tears. Trust is always an issue. I mean why not. From so long til my present day. I've been fucked. Literally.

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 09:14:43 GMT

Capricorn, the tenth Sign of the Zodiac, is all about hard work. Those born under this Sign are more than happy to put in a full day at the office, realizing that it will likely take a lot of those days to get to the top. That's no problem, since Capricorns are both ambitious and determined: they will get there. Life is one big project for these folks, and they adapt to this by adopting a businesslike approach to most everything they do. Capricorns are practical as well, taking things one step at a time and being as realistic and pragmatic as possible. The Capricorn-born are extremely dedicated to their goals, almost to the point of stubbornness. Boy, those victories sure smell sweet, though, and that thought alone will keep Capricorns going.
It's the Goat which symbolizes Capricorns, and an apt mascot it is. Goats love to climb to the top of the mountain, where the air is clear and fresh. In much the same way, Capricorns want to get to the top of their chosen field so that they can reap the benefits of success; namely fame, prestige and money. Getting to the top isn't always a walk in the park, however, so it's likely that Goats will ruffle a few feathers along the way. These folks can indeed be domineering, even egotistical, on their route to the top. They'll tell you it's part of being a leader with bright new ideas (in keeping with the Cardinal Quality assigned to this Sign). Capricorns are industrious, efficient, organized and won't make a lot of waves. They are scrupulous with details and adopt a rather conventional posture in business and in life. These folks feel best playing it safe, since this is a fail-safe way to get to the top -- eventually. Thankfully, Capricorns are patient, too, and are happy to wait for their ship to come in. The flip side to this staid behavior is that Goats can become quite unforgiving of those who aren't as diligent or ambitious as they are. Capricorns need to remember that they do need allies along the way, ambitious or otherwise. In any case, once Capricorns receive the recognition and social status they so fervently crave, it's likely that all will be forgiven.
Capricorn is ruled by the Planet Saturn. In ancient Roman mythology, Saturn was the father of many of the gods. Consider him top dog, if you will, and then you'll see a parallel to Capricorns. Those born under this Sign also want to be the top dog, and they're smart enough to know that the title won't simply be handed to them. Caps are happy to work for it, and luckily they possess enough discipline and sense of responsibility to get them there. Capricorns tend to be mature and are amply blessed with common sense, two more qualities which help their success-driven endeavors. With any kind of luck (make that considerable work), Caps will find themselves on that top step, but they should also remember those who have helped them on their quest. They are traditional (but not quite the button-down stiffs some would suggest) and somewhat inhibited, prompting others to wonder if they can ever enjoy success and its rarefied air. Rest assured, these folks will be smiling inside.
The Element associated with Capricorn is Earth. There's no surprise there! Caps aren't interested in wild ideas or round-the-world dreams. They would much rather stay put and get to work. Remember, these are the businesspeople of the Zodiac, so in their sensible and economical way, they'll get up every morning and see to it that their job is well done. While Caps can occasionally get a bit materialistic and greedy (hey, everyone needs a few perks), they are far too dignified and practical to get carried away. Plus, they love tradition and reserve and want to appear polite and friendly.
Capricorns at rest (yes, there is such a thing) enjoy leisurely sports such as golf and croquet -- so long as they have a chance to win! Playing with a crew is also nice, since it brings to mind their beloved workplace. Team colors for a Capricorn are likely to be earthy brown and khaki, much like the relaxed slacks they like to wear. Sports-bound Caps also need to watch their teeth and knees, and they shouldn't be too daring, lest they break some bones. When it comes to love, Capricorns are ever devoted and never emotive.
The great strengths of the Capricorn-born are their willingness to work hard and their determination to succeed. Their ambition is boundless, yet they are cautious, responsible and always play fair. That's why their successes are all the more sweet.

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 14:45:05 GMT

I went from rarely buying milk at all...to buying three at a time....10-15 boxes of cereal.....48 eggs.....baby food for two...snacks munchies....U'd think a month...but no 2-3 weeks max...then...gone...I'm rarely home....jus hustlin...paper chasing so that they have everything...I'm happy seeing them happy...I'm sad seeing me breaking...I'm stuck in this cycle...I'm meant for it.... always just letting everyone disturb my peace....they replace that peace with sumthing much more grand to me...family...but yet I neglect...to give...always to give and give....what gives anyone in that house the right to not want to go to work...to not have "woken up"...when I'm barely getting TO sleep....when a 3 days str8 almost no sleep at all work binge.....is a weekly thing forme.....priorities....hmmm...sum just don't understand that concept.....I'm not a humbug by all means BUT FUCK THE HOLIDAYS NEED TO BE OVER!!!...MONEY....MONEY....MONEY...thats all thats coming out of all of this...and a new bedroom for for the kids though...I'm excited don't get me wrong but FUCKKKKKK It jus needs to pass already...I want my whole house furnished already...I'm almost there...When I'm done with everything....I mean decoration furnishings extras....everything...then I'll take pics and share my home with everyone...I have an amazing...satisfying addiction...besides masturbation that is....we all know about that dirty little secret...The L word...it's amazing....so sensual...so clean....and dirty at the same time....takes things to a whole new level...will make a str8 woman think twice...about her own sexuality....I'll be 25 in exactly 13 days....I feel 45....life wasting before I even reach the age...wasted..maybe not wasted...when I've impacted jus about everyone I've known..left an impression...of sum sort....so many have fallen in luv...I feel like it time for me to maybe settle down...but who has time to put up with me barely ever being around because I work so much...I'll find that sumbody eventually...and when I find her...I'm holding on

*All in da mind of a stoned non morning person at work way too early in the day*

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 11:19:12 GMT

ok now im really going to go take a nap

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 11:18:07 GMT

um i had try this again sorry guys

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 11:06:50 GMT

OOOOOOooooooooooh shit u seeee me wooot wooot Now i jus gotta figure out how to make it smaller =/ wooot woot goo me goo meee

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 11:04:18 GMT

What a long ass day @ work...I got a new cam yaaaay and a new editing program I'm going to try to link it here so u can see a pic of me and my coworker...today is the first time that I have the cam annd program soooo bare with me my friends oh and ive never linked a pic in here soooo I'm a virgin to all this *OuCh* LoL

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 14:53:56 GMT

The twins bday was sooooooooo cuuute..I bought them a cake for them to tear into...this is what happened.
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/imso_delicious/album?.dir=e88f&.src=ph
I dont know if links show up on here but whatever...
OOOOOOh the bday party is this weekend and I dont have shit I'm so broke all my bills are due UGH sux. My mom gets here Friday lets see how that goes. She better have sum moneyyyy...woot woot. well back to work I go.

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 15:44:02 GMT

It's been 2 whole months...So much has happened since I last updated. We got hit by a fucked up ass hurricane and im still feealing the aftermath. My days are long. 2 jobs now. So much on my plate I don't know how to deal. But I am, like always I'm pulling thru. The babies turn 1 tomorrow. Yaaaaaaaay! My baby 8 on Friday. So of course I have to prepare a party for them this weekend. Money Money Money I'm not making it fast enough. Holy shit the more that comes in goes out. But I'm gettin a lot accomplished witht he house and the kids thank god. UGH and xmas coming....killin me. My hours are 8 am til 3-4am almost everyday.....*sigh* I need a break....I need sum luvin =( I feel like a slave and I don't even feel appreciated. I feel like the whole household feels like I have to do what I'm doing. Um I don't everyone can get da fuck out and leave me with my kid alone. Ok I don't want that but dammit sumthing needs to give b4 i hang myself or start taking pills again to "forget" Christiun busted his lip open had to get stitches. I bought him this cream from the net for his eczema and it seems to be working way better than all the prescriptions that I been buyin. It's almost disappeared. It was so bad his skin was constantly raw and bleeding especially his face but it looks way better. They are walkin a bit holding on to things...touching everything. Angenette same ole..thinking she's grown as fuck...SMH Im jus tired of living...I mean I'm not suicidal or nada right now jus tired. EXHAUSTED I don't have time for me. well I guess this is it for now that was a fast lil update.

*wife I miss u*

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 06:32:52 GMT

Ok so as we all know Nesa is in Ohio. Flew in on Sunday. I told my mother she had to get Nesa back to FL by Sunday of this week. She needed to keep Chris in case the doc needed to see him over a period of time, so that it wouldnt be a waste of trip. Before Nesa made the trip everything was agreed to. But as always my mom is an idiot. She can't take care of the baby and she cant fly wit nesa to take the babies back and everything else she needs to fly here. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO when I get out of work at 4 am Im going to hit the highway to Ohio to pick up my sister and the babies and everything else we gotta bring. I gotta go rent a minivan so that it wont be a waste of time for us to drive. I WANNA SMACK HER. Drive there, drive back, work til 4 am. UGH then I'm off Saturday. SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP I need to rest before I kill myself. But after the drive to Ohio and the drive back imma be broke so I gotta work Friday. John says he'll drive back so that I can sleep to go to work, so I should be ok. Well I'm tired as shit so goodnight to all.

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 09:40:38 GMT

All night long all I hear is "you're beautiful" When will I start believin it?

I've become so ugly inside I see it when I stare in the mirror. Not intentionally, but hey, shit happens.
Ooooooooh what a long night it has been. I don't understand how women go out sumwhere, Drink free ALL NIGHT LONG, and not tip. Do these bitches work for free cause I don't, and that's exactly what was said to them. I DO NOT PLAY THAT SHIT. Woman or man. I'll let it slide once, maybe twice, but a third and after. NOooooooo! I have mouthes to feed and bills to pay. Men are so fucking vulgar at my job too. Might as well go bartend at a strip club and bank like a mofo! It's get sooo old everything they say. Makes me realize why I have a HUGE dislike to the male species. Always thinking with the wrong head. I mean really do u not think the asshole right before u asked me the same "Has anyone ever told u, u have a great ass?" It didnt fucking get there over night. And why do u think because u showin off to ur boys and tryin to throw money at me all night u wanna get mad when I don't give u my number. Did I say I was? I tell everyone at my job (excluding island boy n thas cause I did him once on drunkness!) I'm complete dyke. I mean it keeps most of the guys away. But the majority. Oh it's cause u havent been wit da right dick. No DICK its because I dont like DICK! Thats what being a lesbian is all about. I'm sittin in my family room and looked around and this fuckin place is a wreck. mess of shit everywhere less than 3 things being mine. I just worked my ass off to come to a messy house. That fustrates me. I know the kids are a handful, but once they are down for the night. this place should be spotless. just like I have to thouroughly clean my bar, down to scrubbing floors and wipings down bottles, my house needs to be taken care of while I take care of the finances. *Sigh*
So I have not written Jose in like FOREVER. He finally calls the other day because I finally send him some money. And I tell him about my lil island boy or what not u know jus that we fucked. Catches a lil attitude, "oh so that's why u havent even taken the time to write me, ur too busy with ur new little boyfriend" U can all imagine How fucking balistic I went. I wouldnt even let him talk. I said so fucking much called him so many names. how dare he! I want to be alone forever. I don't want commitment. I want to create my own family. I've always been the helping kind. maybe too helpful sometimes. I'll adopt a couple of kids when the finances are correct. I hate the whole emotion thing in relationships. Even in flings it's a roller coaster. I have so much to deal with. Plus no one can make me nut like me and I'm a lil selfish wit my shit. I need to be taken care of completely and passionatly at times and then I'm like in total get away from me mode and give me back my bed. And for me it's not too often that I share my toosh with anyone. I have a parent teacher meeting on Wednesday morning at 7:30 am thats sooo early for me. Grrr....Damn I have like A.D.D and shit ranting and raving in all directions...I type as I think though (shrug) plus this weed I'm smoking...UNBELIEVBLE...I keep letting it turn off so oraaaaaaaaaange and crystaly and great! it stinks up whereever its put even though its in 2 ziploc bags GOSH ITS GREAT....ok sorry had to give shout outs to my girl MJ ya know how it is =cD. On to more serious matters. I had the day off tomorrow, or actually today it's 4:36 am, but I picked up a shift to make my rent cause I decided to pay all my bills early then make my rent then I get suspended for two days. Days that I deal with all my regulars and outside where u can smoke...soooo I was a little pissed. so on wednesday instead of going in at 10pm I went in at 4pm and closed and imma work tomorrow to make it up. I'm a little sad the babies are leaving. 2 days =c( I was supposed to go with her today and come back tomorrow so I can work sunday but I decided to work instead cause I need the money. I already got the kids taken care of. By kids I mean mine and Anthony my daughters sidekick. LoL he really is. nesa takes care of him after school since they go to the same school for a little money which is good so I have to spend less on the babies. And my cousin Natalize is gonna start droppin off her stepdaughter, (legally adopted and all) and her beautiful baby boy to nesa for sum mo money. I am gating off my house so that only tha backyard and the family room can be used. I'm not playing that shit. The furniture in the living room is gonna be white. I DO NOT WANT ANYONE NEAR THAT ROOM. the kids of course. some adults too. it's gonna be a picture room. pictures everywhere the whole family. Which reminds me I need a new cam cause damn do I need new pics. gosh the blunts not even half way thru. So my mom is supposed to be sending me diapers formula all sorts of shit she gets for FREE so still I'm buying diapers formula juice food clothes because she never mail's anything! she aint got no fucking kids wit her and she still can't afford to even mail a fucking package. THEN on top of it all she fucking lies ALL DA FUCKING TIME and I catch her AND fucking tell her I caught her and she'll lie on top of that. It's so fustrated. I can't stand liars. I've seen my mom fabricate stories all my life. It's like really mom grow the fuck up. So she supposed to mail formula that she picks up from wic for nesa sept 3rd she can get the milk, mind you that the amount wic gives the babies is NEVER enough, we got the box yesterday. all these excuses that she mailed it that the post office had it that she wrote down the wrong address bla bla bla ok wheres the proof on the box the fucking box has the damn stamp on it WITH THE FUCKING MAILING DATE ON IT. I mean really should I really bitch at her about this like I do or jus leave it alone I mean fuck she's never wrong. I wanna jus punch her. But she is an opportunistic of the gov so I need her freebies I think I'll jus send nesa over there with the babies for a weekend at a time every month or so she can just keep bringin shit back its cheaper than waiting, diapers FUCKING COST for these kids! Dont let me get on GAS, HOLY SHIT! I can't imagine payin what these mofos pay everywhere else we are payin 3 dollars well damn near now it went down a little recently. Anyway my expenses are fucking 3 times all of hers maybe more. She drives me crazy, like literally. Well is 5:07 am I have ranted for over an hour in a lil daze but now I'm hungry so I must end this short visit. I will read this sober in the am and enjoy myself I think. Chuckle a little even. Ta Ta

Liz I miss u I cannot wait to see u. We are both doing our thang, seperately, but right. Trying to make things happen Today. Alone. As soldiers always alone. But only for now. Cause when the tomorrow comes, that you're finally home things will be different. For the better of course. Love You.

*This just happened no more ramblin. Christiun woke up for a bottle just now and I went in to tell Nesa the he sounded wheezy cryin. I look on Angenette's bed, not there. My room, not there. Nowhere. My heart like drops. I had called at about 11:30 before everyone went to bed to tell them to leave a door unlocked so that I didnt wake them when I got home. I havent had the time to get a copy of the key. Plain forgetfulness too. Anywhoot My heart is like in my stomach. Nesa is like she didnt leave with Daisy bla bla bla and I'm like where the fuck is she. Well I turn on the light .( When my daughter sleeps she is spread the fuck out everywhere on the bed.) So when I looked for her I picked up her sheets and saw nothing on the bed, or futon rather she doesnt want a bed in there. She was in a corner by the wall closest to the door UNDER a fitted sheet WHILE it was still completely on. I caught a little bit of her hair sticking out. THE THOUGHTS THAT RAN THRU MY HEAD ABOUT THAT DOOR BEING OPEN. I don't even want to write them down let's just throw those thoughts away. Okay I gotta eat its 5:40am Good Night to some Good Morning to other.